rain

“Kenapa hujan lebat sangat hari ni?”

“Sebab dia mahu saya sedih”

That’s a rare respond to the question. Usually one would say something like
“hujan rahmat tu” or “sebab saya sedih hari ni”

More often than not, I opt for the latter. It usually rains when I’m sad. What never crossed my mind was how the weather affects how I feel. When it’s dark and wet outside, all I want to do is snuggle into bed and procrastinate. Unhappy memories will start flooding into my mind and all I want to do is cry. And fyi, crying is actually good. It makes me feel so much better after. All the pain flows out with every drop of tear and when it dries up, my heart becomes lighter. Outside the window, the sun starts to shine behind the dark clouds. As the final drops of rain falls to the earth, the rainbow appears with the presence of sunshine. All hope is not lost after all. I prepare myself for a new beginning.

But not today. The rain did not stop. It kept pouring even after the day ended. Maybe my friend was right. It is a day for me to be sad. I started my day by dragging myself out of bed for futsal practice and I’m still not making progress. We were drenched and I was hungry. It wasn’t at all a good combination. I had a huge pile of laundry to do right after lunch and it still hasn’t stopped raining. Horrible timing, really. Later that afternoon, I got into the wrong bus because I was too distracted, singing along to my favourite tune. Boy, that was embarrassing. It did not get better in class. My brain refuse to activate itself. So I was totally confused until a few minutes before the class ended.

Once again, I was late for debate meeting just now. The president must’ve been cursing under his breath when I entered. It didn’t help that I wasn’t contributing much to the discussion. Dumb and dumber I’m getting these days. It’s like I’m moving backwards instead of forward. Pathetic, eh? The highlight of the day would be LOSING THE SCRABBLE MATCH to a crowd of a rather annoying team. Not a single supporter in sight for my side. I felt like a total failure for losing something that I’m supposed to be good at and since I’m not exactly good in anything else, this is my only place to shine. I blew it for myself but I’m lucky enough to have teammates that totally covered my back and brought home a win for the team. maybe this is my personal piece of the humble pie. truth be told, i am not one who looks down on her opponent. my mistake was allowing them into my head and losing a huge amount of confidence in myself.

I have to debate in the presence of lecturers in less than 24 hours. Yes, I am freaking out. No, I am not ready. The internet connection despises me too. I try my level best to stay positive but the future looks bleak. Not to mention, I actually have futsal and volleyball matches tomorrow. If I stay and prepare for debate, I’ll be abandoning my classmates in battle. Not that I am any good but the team needs all the help it can get. If I were to not prepare for debate, my teammates will hate me for bailing out on them hence the foreseen defeat later in the evening.

i am torn and i am too emotional to decide on the best decision. and with the things going on at home, it's really starting to make things worse for me. trying times this is for me. will i make through the rain? i honestly do not know..