Yup, I had that for supper and I actually felt so much better. Nah, it was actually the phone call before that totally cheered me up. Now everything’s possible again. Lol. My body’s all sore but at least my heart is not that heavy anymore, for now..
Losing five out of six netball matches today really took a toll on me. After the “revelation” last night, I can’t say that I slept well. I still doubt if I made the right decision. I tried my best not to meddle in other people’s business but I just had to do something about it. Maybe I shouldn’t have because it backfires most of the time. From now on, I promise not to be involved again. I refuse to be the one adding the fuel or water to the fire because I don’t think I’m in any position to do that. But frankly speaking, I can’t help but worry.
Now back to the issue of being a loser. It was one event after another for me. It started with scrabble, followed by the mock debate and now netball. I’m starting to feel that I’m no good in anything. I know I shouldn’t say this because god created everyone as equals and each is unique in their own way. I guess I just haven’t found my forte yet; or maybe I did but it was never developed. I can be very blurr at these things. I’m trying to be more alert of what’s happening around me because I’m starting to feel dumber and dumber as the days past.
Disappointment, frustration, anger, mostly for myself leads to self-loathing. I am unorganized and so out of place right now. Time is my biggest enemy followed by my emotions. It is so hard to be in control of those two aspects of my life. My parents will not be happy to find out about this. I have more matches to play after this and you know what, I’m so sick and tired of it. I don’t want to compete like this. This might make me sound weak but I hate being the one that causes my team to lose. I fail to rise to the occasion and I can feel that they are losing faith in me, I am losing faith in myself. I hate that this event has become such an integral part of our lives instead of our studies. It is true that we’re supposed to be all-rounded and stuff but this will make us hate ourselves more, I’d rather not compete at all. But if course, forfeiting is totally out of the question. I can’t lose a battle even before it started.
On a happier note, I would like to thank all my friends that had cheered for me even though I played horribly. Thank you for all you support and I promise to do better next time. Thank you for believing in me and I will always do my best not to let you guys down again. xoxo
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