i'm sorry for freaking out, i really am. it is my job after all to fill in for him when he's not around. i guess i haven't been very responsible all this while. my credibility is definitely being questioned in this case. sighs.. i wish i was calmer when it happened. but NO.. i just have to get all nervous and anxious. What a way to show your "support" for him, martina. "Great" job!
presenting the club's budget in front of the VVIPs is definitely not an easy task for me. i'm SO afraid of screwing up! i have to admit that i haven't been the most attentive person during the meeting because i never thought that i'll ever be in charge of anything important. i mean, i'm clearly incompetent. Eg: tshirt issue. you want more proof? you should watch me debate with USM.
i know, i know..
You're so negative, martina!
he wouldn't have wasted his time recruiting me if i am not worth it. i might have been the last resort but he must have seen some potential right? this is difficult or perhaps it is just me blowing it out of proportion. aisyah is right. all you need in a presentation is.. AURA, in which i'm seriously lacking. a little bit more of self-confidence should do the trick.
you know what, i think i was actually digging my own grave by doing everything that i did. every time i was assigned to something, the first thing i did was doubt myself and shy away from the task itself. why do i do that?! i'm taking away the tiny bits of trust he has left in me! all i ever wanted to do was prove how worthy i am but instead of doing that, i keep bringing myself further away from my main objective.
Ustaz Shariman was right. he's my Falsafah Ilmu lecturer by the way. now i understand why i am the way i am. ermmm.. i'm referring to the fact that i can want something more for others than i do for myself. when i try to solve problems for other people, i tend to get more creative and more gutsy if i might add.
according to my lecturer, Allah swt actually makes everything easier when we're sincerely helping others. ideas and inspiration just flows like a never-ending river and i feel more content with myself when i'm able to assist others in every way i can. does that even makes sense? lol.
all i ever wanted was to make things easier for him you know, but i feel like the harder i try, the tougher it gets to do it right. maybe i'm doing it for all the rong reasons? people say that things get harder if you're not doing it for yourself but that's the opposite of what i learn in FI. damn, i'm confused!
oh well, i just pray that everything goes well during the presentation. i REALLY don't want to screw up again, especially because i did something really bad today. it might affect my entire future as payback. but this is not just about me, it's about the entire club. it is much much bigger than me. i shall not fail this time! and most importantly, i don't want to fail you again..
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