hopeless romantic

everyone back home probably knows i'm a hopeless romantic. i LOVE sappy romantic movies and novels, disney princesses are my idols and a happy ever after is not just make-believe in my world. but here.. i seem to become this rational, practical and horrible person who burst the bubbles of lovey-dovey couples. i wonder why i do that. is it some kind of defense mechanism i've created for myself to remind me of how all good things will come to an end? how love is short-lived and will leave me broken-hearted in the end? 

"i pity you" he said

those words kept playing over and over in my head like a broken record. why does it bother me so much what he said? is it because it was true? that i am pitiful? i was trying to convince him that what he feels now is only temporary and it will wither away with time. it was peculiar to me how confident he was that his relationship will last a lifetime; how his other half would "jump off a train" for him. that is simply ridiculous. 

or is it? i mean, i used to believe it was possible too. maybe i still do, deep down inside.perhaps it is easier to pretend that it isn't there, with hopes that it will disappear in time. if i admit that i still feel the same way, i will get my hopes up. the fear of getting hurt is so strong that i am not willing to put anything on the line. i keep using the same ol' excuses, pretending that nothing has changed.

but u know that is not true, don't you, martina? you're all grown up, you've been to many places, met so many different people, you've done things you never thought you could and experience emotions you never thought was possible. 

that's the worse part. i know that part of me never left. it is kept hidden and when it surfaces in my moment of weakness, it is never pretty. it is a roller coaster ride and i can never predict when it will come to a halt. it is like a spiral down to oblivion and no one can safe me from this free fall. this is the time when i have to muster all the energy left to pull myself out of misery. 

the more i try to run away from it, the closer it got to me. but if i allow the river of emotions to run free in my heart, it is the same as sailing unchartered waters  without a compass. i don't know where it'll take me and when i lose my way, will anyone be there to show me the way out?

i want to love, i really do. but i am so afraid of getting hurt that i am willing to spend my entire life being alone. or maybe i'm just waiting for someone to make the first move and the biggest question remains..

will u love me back once i started loving you?