sighs..

i finally completed my field trip report!! there were a lot of copying, pasting and nost so much of modifying involved. i just had to get it over with so i can continue with other things. i've got so much work to do but i still have to the time to think about some of the crappiest stuff in my life.

1. friends
friends are supposed to make your life bearable when times are rough but here, it seems rather impossible. i'm not saying all my friends are bad. it's just that most of the time i don't feel good about myself around them. the discomfort can be too much at times that i rather be alone. maybe the problem lies with me and not them. i don't know but i can tell you that it really sucks. you want so much to be nice to these people because they can be really nice to me at times. unfortunately, shit happens and i end up feeling crappy about myself and i've never felt so alone in my life.
friends are said to always each other when times are rough right? how come the people i know would rather save themselves from all the pain than to stick around to help me get through a rough patch? why do they abandon me when i need them the most? how come they can never see through the mask i'm wearing? why is it so hard to be myself around them? these questions are the burden i carry on a daily basis. sometimes it gets lighter and sometimes it gets heavier than i can imagine.

2. boys
this is the part i hate most. i've promised myself on numerous occasions to stop thinking about these people. they are absolutely unimportant to me and they play no part in improving my life in any way at all. i should focus only on my studies but they keep popping into my life every now and then and it's extremely annoying. they come and go as they like without any concern of how that might make me feel. i know i'm over-analysing this situation because every one of it might turn out to be nothing more than a kind gesture.
these feelings, they're foreign to me. i don't know how to differentiate between the truth and a lie. no one can make it clear for me because different people have different experiences and sometimes i just can't relate to any of them. i hope i'll be able to get rid of these crap as soon as possible. i don't want it to interfere with my life in any way at all. i'm not supposed to think of these stuff until i've actually accomplished something in life, like doing great in my studies, getting a good job and earning loads of money. these are the things that my mum keep stressing since i was a child.
so whenever i have these feelings, it makes me feel like i'm committing a crime. i feel guilty for having these feelings but some people kept convincing me that it isn't wrong to feel this way. who do i believe? i choose the words of my mother, though i still have my doubts every now and then. i guess it can't be helped because this is a part of growing.

all i can do now is hope for the best. the Dean's List Award Ceremony will be held next monday and i'm looking forward to it. i have choir performance the day after tomorrow and i hope we'll do great! don't stop believeing in yourself, martina! one day, you will be happy :)