mess

i'm extremely sleepy right now but i need to get some things out of my head before i hit the sack. it has been a long day. i helped my friends to pack bihun sup for our class business. after lunch, my friends and i went to get some junk food for our BBQ tomorrow. then, i had choir practice at 3pm. we proceed to the hall at 5pm for the merdeka celebration rehearsals. unfortunately, i spent more than two hours just to get on stage. it really pissed me off not to mention that i haven't been doing well vocally and dance-wise. i hate being a failure. i'm trying my best but nothing's working and i don't know what's wrong. maybe it's the lack of practice or maybe i'm just plain ungifted. the performance is the day after tomorrow and i still suck really bad.

another thing that has been lingering in my mind is the class trip. i feel like i'm not contributing much at all. i want to help but it always seem like they have it all covered until they come complaining about who and who isn't doing their part. i wish there was something i can do so i won't feel so useless all the time but i don't know how to get myself inside the circle. in order to be apart of something, i have to be accepted by the people involved. unfortunately, my lack of experience and my crappy communication skills has hindered with my progress. so now i'm stuck outside the glass window looking in. nevertheless, i still try to make myself useful as much as i can.

besides that, it seems like everyone around me are discovering their happiness as the days past. why can't it be the same for me? i feel miserable in choir when it something that i enjoy. singing shouldn't be this hard and i really don't want to be the person who ruins everything for the team. moreover, i feel so useless in class. i have loads of work to be completed and tests to be sat for in a few days. everything is so out of place right now. i just wish something or someone can give me the motivation so i can get up on my feet again and toughen up, but the sad truth is i can't depend on anyone but myself.

i know i must sound like an ungrateful person right now but i really need to pen my feelings down somewhere so they don't get bottled up and explode like a time bomb one of these days. i should probably go to bed now.i've got an early start tomorrow for the SBH gathering. hope that goes well too and i don't screw anything up for anyone including myself. oh yeah! to my friends who aren't feeling well or down with any kind of pain and aches, i whope all of you will get well soon. i will pray for u :)