debate, oh debate..

crap. i'm beginning to lose interest in what i'm doing. it's not that i am no longer interested but it has more to do with feeling inferior. i can't help but feel that i suck all the time. i kept telling myself that i can do it but it doesn't seem to work anymore and i don't know what to do.

the debate showcase is tonight. i've done some reading last night and i had an idea of what i was going to say but now, i'm not so sure anymore. it's like all these ideas they put forward are overwriting my thoughts and they are not strong enough to stand anymore. i know i shouldn't give up so easily but to the thought of enduring another public humiliation scares me. these people are really good and i'm afraid i'll disappoint my team and myself.

however, i still think that i am capable of something better than what i've already given. all i need to do is to pull myself together and organise my thoughts. i should start having faith in myself and my own opinion before i try to convince others. a friend said that i am right most of the time but i don't seem to realize it, hence making convincing others a more difficult task.

my brain is currently so underworked that it isn't functioning as well as it had been before. i need to get that back as soon possible, and with that i mean like in a few hours. i guess the shock i received just now should be able to do the trick. i cannot fail, i must not disappoint myself or my teammates. they might not think highly of me but that is something i can work on. all i need is the motivation to keep improving myself and since i don't have my parents around to do that, i need to depend on myself.

yes, my friends might be able to help with that but debate isn't exactly their cup of tea. so, they don't show much interest in what i'm doing or giving me the support i need as a matter of fact. sometimes i wonder why it is so difficult for me to believe in myself. i mean, it shouldn't be that hard. i know what i'm capable of but i guess i'm worried about what others think of me. more often than not, i forget that people will only see me in a positive light when i myself start to do so. therefore, tonight i shall do my best for Allah swt and for myself, then the others. if i succeed in pleasing myself, i might just be able to please others too. wish me luck! i should probably start working on my speech :)