be careful what you wish for

For those of you who have watched the animated series Slam Dunk, you must be familiar with the character Rukawa, a tall, brooding basketball ace in the show. I was in love with him and still am until now. What I didn’t expect was to find such a character in real life. I always thought of him as a fantasy and a dream, one that I wish would come true. And guess what? It did.

Rukawa isn’t the only “tall, brooding guy who’s cold towards most people” I fell in love with. There was another popular tv series most of you might be familiar with, Meteor Garden. There was this character called, ermm.. I forgot his name. Well, never mind. He had exactly the same characteristic as Rukawa and more came after that in animes, tv series, movies, etc. I seem to like that particular type of guys. Once again, I have to say that I never expect to meet people like that in real life.

I studied in an all-girls school for eleven years. I was never properly introduced to the world of boys. So I thought what I’ll ever have are fantasies of meeting the type of guys I’ve mentioned above and we’ll fall in love with each other and live happily ever after. Unfortunately, things are not that simple. If you watch both series, the guys are only nice towards certain people, such as their family, closest friends and most importantly, the lucky girl who happens to be the love of their life. I wanted to be that girl.

In all the series, they showed how the guy falls in love with the girl. It usually starts with a tragedy, an argument and all types of conflict the creator can think of and then comes a point when the guy realizes that he is in love with the girl. Then, happy ever after doesn’t sound entirely impossible at all. Besides that, we get to see what both individuals are feeling and understand why they act the way they do, but in reality, that never happens. You’re left wondering about all the possibilities and choose the one which you think is the best to explain why he is acting the way he is, and most of the time, you get it wrong.

What does it mean when someone does something really nice for your birthday? What does it mean when someone shares their deepest and personal feelings with you? What does it mean when they tell you about their insecurities and share the most painful experience they had that day? What does it mean when you talk about the things you have in common and share them with each other? What does it mean when you’re able to look beyond their pretenses and see the true feelings they’re trying so hard to hide?

The only conclusion I can come up is we’re friends. But what puzzles me, aren’t friends suppose to greet each other when they meet? Aren’t friends supposed to talk casually and gossip about the latest news when they meet? Aren’t friends supposed to reply each other’s messages when you text them or when chatting online? Friends aren’t supposed to ignore each other when they meet or pretend they don’t see the other person on the street. So, what exactly are we?

I can’t help but wonder if I am just a source of entertainment when they’re bored, or just a good listener when no one gives a damn about their thoughts. Am I just someone who makes them feel important when the world chooses to ignore them, or maybe I’m just a fan who can cheer them on when no one volunteers to give them the support they needed to go on? But once again, aren’t those the things that friends do for each other?

To say that we’re more than just friends, I dare not. If I do, I will start hoping for something that might be impossible in the first place. Most importantly, I don’t want to be the only one who sees something when there is nothing to begin with. So I wait for them, to define this relationship of ours and the worst part is, I’m not even sure if I can call it a relationship.

The funny thing is, I think I got what I wish for. When I watch these shows on tv, there are people with the most complicated lives or relationships and I sort of wanted it to happen to me. It’s as if I knew that my life was never supposed to be this easy or simple; and my wish came true. Everything is so messed up and complicated right now. There are only a handful of things which are clear to me at the moment. Only now, I truly understand why they say “Be careful what you wish for”.

I’ve been so protected from the real world for most of life, that when reality hit me, I didn’t know how to face it. I was drowning. I learn many things through tv and I tried to apply them in real life. What I discovered was, the things that I thought was possible turned out to be some of the worse choices I’ve made and the things I thought was “made-up”, turned out to be the truth.

It is so hard trying to figure out what the other person is thinking about and coming up with a reason to explain their actions. You might say that I think too much but that is just the way I am. I want to know things; I want to see stuff that people can’t usually see in others. Maybe that’s the thing that makes me feel out of the ordinary, in other words, special. Honestly, I don’t feel like I have anything to offer them if we were to have a relationship. All I could do is listen to them, keep them company until they have found enough strength to carry on with their lives. Then, once again, I am left on my own to find the reasons why it is so easy for them to depend on me and then, just leave like that.

Do I not look like someone who needs to depend on other people, or do I appear too clingy, that it scares them away? Most of the time, I will not allow myself to depend on anyone because I’m afraid they’ll let me down. The heartbreak is just too much to deal with and the tears aren’t easy to control either. That is my weakness. I cry, a lot. It’s the only way I can see clearly again after I’m left to pick up the pieces of a troubled past. It allows me to see the positive side of things and finally come up with the best way to save myself from drowning in my emotions.

But now, I’ve run out of tears and I’m still confused. The only thing I can do is to promise never to allow myself to feel or put myself in this kind of situation again because I don’t know how to get myself out of it. No one can give me the answer because it is probably something I need to figure on my own. And maybe I’m not ready for the answer just yet.