it is funny how you can be so happy one moment and completely depressed the next. it gets worse when the only thing that makes you happy is only temporary. once the effect is gone, it leaves you craving for more. you are forced to find an alternative which sometimes you will regret later on. i hate having to go through this situation all the time. i need something to keep me happy so other people will not see how troubled i am. i don't want them to start asking questions and making assumptions about what might be bothering me. and i they ever find out, i don't want them to feel sorry for me or treat me differently. i don't need their sympathy. i just need things to stay as normal as possible since i am currently living an abnormal and depressing. in order to achieve that, i will not allow myself to feel vulnerable enough to need someone whom i can share it with. i'm not even sure if i will feel relieved or even more worried having someone else knowing what's really going on. i stopped trusting people to make it easier for me to keep to myself. however, i still want to surround myself with people so i can forget about my troubles a little bit. it isn't very hard because people in general love talking about themselves and having someone to listen to them is already considered a miracle. so i become the listener, immersing myself in their problems so i can free myself from mine. now i know the reason why i like to help people. it is a form of escapism by helping to achieve whatever they want and experience their troubles in order to run away from my own. i realize how unhealthy it is but i will have to start dealing with my own world again once i'm alone. i distract myself by going online or thinking too much and worrying about my assignments and projects. i indulge myself in unnecessary things that will help ease the pain in my heart. i suffer from bad headaches and migraines most of the time. my heart is always heavy and my mind is clouded by negative thoughts. i try to live life one day at a time, hoping that i'll find a way to save myself from this mess because i know no one else will come to my rescue.
nevertheless, i'm thankful for the little things that brightens my day and makes life a little bit more bearable. i'm grateful to know i still have my loved ones even when we're far apart. i'm also grateful for the things that keeps me alive; the air i breathe, the food i eat and everything else. i'm glad i still have friends to let me know i am not alone in this world. most of all, i'm thankful to Allah SWT for He has not forsaken me when i am confused or feel like i am losing my way in this world. i will continue to live because i owe it to myself to achieve something bigger than me and help the ones who never stops believing in me.