oopss i did it again and i'm paying for it right now. there's a storm of thoughts going on in my head and i know i'm a million miles away from inner peace.
i am given the task to receive guests from UMS tomorrow. they will be here for the seaweed project. i'm worried because I've never done this sort of stuff before. i've never had to be the face of something or the front line in any occasion. i'm always happy being the one working behind the scenes. getting credits for my work is rare and almost always unnecessary.. until now. Ya Allah, I know I've sinned but i beg You for mercy so that everything will go well tomorrow and the day after. my future is at stake and i know i've screwed up a million times before. all i ask is another chance to redeem myself even though i am undeserving of Your blessings. amin.
i received yet another phone call from home. it speaks of the same problem from before. i was hoping to be the storyteller but circumstances require me to be once again a faithful listener. it might be also be a blessing because the waterworks begin each time i decide to speak. silence is a safer option especially in a public area. i wanted nothing more but to avoid human contact but it has proven quite impossible and it is clearly a self-destructive act.
with the whirlwind of thoughts in mind, i bought an ice cream and decided to take a stroll. the path i took was a familiar one. it was once the place where i studied and spend a significant portion of my adult life. i found myself at the entrance of the postgrad lab. my first instinct was to walk away but i decided that this is probably the only chance i'll get to revisit the memories i've had in there. bittersweet. there is no better word to describe my experience there. i stepped into the lab and ventured from one benchwork to another. it is now fully occupied by unfamiliar faces. they are absent at this time of night so i can roam freely from aisle to aisle. that's when i saw it.. a little corner at the back, with familiar notes on methodologies that i used to carry out in that very place. reading the notes brought warmth to my heart and that's when it dawn on me that this is the project that was supposed to be mine. i know it isn't my rezeki and i was probably better off not doing it but i can't help but feel sad about it.
if the project had been mine, i wouldn't have to worry about the tomorrow and the coming meeting.
if the project was mine, mama wouldn't have to worry about me being in sabah
if the project had been mine.. i wouldn't have met him
yes him, whom i've disliked even before we've met. i had a feeling it was intentional. i needed someone to blame. so i chose him, along with the people and situation i've stumbled upon. it gave me something to talk about, a channel to vent my frustrations even though i've pretty much given up on it quite some time ago. then one day, our paths crossed for the very first time. our eyes met for a brief moment, i knew who he was but he was obviously unaware of my existence. it wasn't hate or dislike that i felt. it was intrigue, curiosity.. and i realize that it would be great if we can get to know each other and share what we know about the project, for i am certain that i will learn more than a thing or two from him. alas, i shall be leaving this place soon and i don't know when i will be back. and that is how another opportunity slipped right through my fingers and there is nothing i can do to stop it.
that's when i decided it is time to leave.. the lab and my memories behind. i walked back to the place i came from and another thought occured to me about i've been doing lately. it all began with that one trip to kb. it brought back feelings that i have buried deep in the depths of my heart. there was not one dull moment in the journey. i can't recall the last time i was that happy. my heart felt light and my thoughts are clear until i realize that with every moment he shared with me, every story he told, i was being pulled into his world and i didn't mind being there. unfortunately, the feeling is not mutual, or at least that's how it seems.
i spend days after that revisiting those moments and sharing them with friends. i must've sounded like a broken record gushing over that same person for weeks. but tonight i wonder.. why am i doing that? why do I keep revisiting that moment? these feelings, shouldn't they be effortless? it should come and go as it pleases and hit you when you least expect it. can this be considered affection? or am i just doing it to fulfill my desire to be in love when in fact, i am not in love?
having said that, there is still one thing i am sure of. i like him the way he is. he possess traits that doesn't necessarily excite me but it gives me a sense of security and stability. i like that he's a family man, his compassion, his interest for the outdoor and his love for animals and most importantly, he makes me feel safe.. the way he did in my first debate tournament when i was thrown into a sea of sharks and left to fend for myself or die trying. he is kind and i tried picturing a future with him. once again, the image is distorted and i'm not the only one who thinks so.
now every sight of him brings back all those feelings and questions that i will try to silent every time. i have spoken to a new found friend about this matter, the feeling and not the person. it was a great 3 hour long chat and i'm really glad to know her. and we have both agreed that if it is meant to be, it will be. we are realistic and practical people but romantics at heart. now that's pure irony. we've been single for our entire lives and choose to stay that way for now because there are important things to think about. our futures for example. only yesterday, i've rediscovered the inkling of hope for me to do my MSc. therefore, i have no time or space in my head or heart to think and feel things that are irrelevant or unrelated to that at the moment. plus i still have my family to think about.
last but not least.. i now admit that i have a psychological problem where i am afraid to let people care about me while fearing to care too much for them hence ending up isolating myself when i crave for intimacy and company. thank you mama for pointing it out.
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