lies

I had my first local football experience today. A friend asked me if I can accompany to watch the match. She did the same for me before so it is only right if I go with her. Coincidentally, I was wearing red and the red team won. I was actually rooting for the yellow side but I’m jinxed. Lol. Anyway, I was able to focus on the game during the first half. My friends and I went out to get some snacks during the half time break. That’s when I discovered what really took place last night. I’m still not sure if I should be thankful or regretful to know the truth. it was a total distraction and I couldn’t concentrate on the match anymore. I kept thinking about what happened and how I felt about it.

After analyzing my thoughts, I finally know what was bothering me. why did she lie to me? why didn’t she just tell me what really happened last night? I felt like a fool for believing that she did not have a good time. how can she not have fun when she’s having a rendezvous with her crush? And she even told me he wasn’t there! Am I jealous? I’m not sure but what I’m certain is I felt betrayed and fooled. Was she afraid that my perception of her would change after knowing what they did? Or was she just trying to keep me in the dark so that I wouldn’t be a part of it at all?

A part of me feels glad that I didn’t join them. I can never imagine myself in that kind of situation and not to mention my parents, they would really be disappointed in me. However, the other part of feels sad because they seem to have so much fun and I wasn’t there with them. My friend made it sound like it was extremely interesting and entertaining. It isn’t something that I would do every day but I might have tried it if they manage to convince me that it was totally harmless.

Furthermore, I began to think about the type of girls that guys like to hang out with. She has to have a great figure, good looks, extremely friendly and knows how to have fun. I am neither of those things. So what happens to people like me? we lead a lonely and boring life where nothing fun or interesting ever happens because we try to be good and do the right things. I guess that is synonymous to being a bore. Seriously,I wonder If will I end up an old hag just for going the things that pleases my parents and the people around me.

I mean, I am not interesting. Even my PA told me I’m such a bore. I try to get involved in various activities but nothing seems to please her or anyone else as a matter of fact. She totally disregards everything I’ve done and concentrate only on my flaws. Come on! Nobody’s perfect. Can’t she see that I’m trying so hard to get out of my comfort zone and put myself out there? And yet, no one notices it. I am not an attention seeker but it would be nice to receive some compliments after I’ve put so much effort to make things work. It’s really hard when what makes me happy is when other people are please with me. yes, I do like what I do but I need approval to show that what I’ve done is not a total waste of time and energy.

This experience only reminds me of my imperfections and I realize that people will never like me if I were to be myself. I don’t know how to start a conversation, I’m not good at making jokes, I don’t talk a lot, I’m not intelligent nor knowledgeable. But I sure do try to do all that no matter how difficult it is for me. Unfortunately, nothing seems to work. I am back to square one and my social life is still a disaster. I’ve been feeling so sad these days and my finals starts in about 24 hours from now. I wonder what good I will get from this and I hope I will atop thinking about it entirely because it hurts.

There are more important things for me to do so that I will not be more of a loser than I already am. I’m already doing horrible in my studies and now I’m having this kind of social crisis that I try to avoid my whole life. Honestly, I still know how to differentiate between right and wrong and what’s good or bad for me. I just have to stop being a follower and create my own path to journey on. I am who I am and I don’t need to be somebody else to impress others. I need to find what makes me happy and do it for me , not to please other people. My dear Martina, you need to start to be happy and love yourself ffirst before expecting others to love you. And you know that your family will always be there to support you because they know whatever decisions you make, you know that it is what you think is best for yourself. I have to start believing in myself despite what others might think of me. I will try my best and leave the rest in the hands of Allah swt. Be strong and have faith in yourself, Martina!