new year

happy new year everyone! yes, it is way long overdue. i've just finished my exams a few days ago. now, i'm enjoying all the sitting-around-doing-nothing routine. i'm still stuck in UMK, KPTM to be precise. i made a decision to stay instead of going home to save on bus fare. ironically, i'm still on my way to bankruptcy now. so here i am, just moping around in my room, feeling depressed and hungry at the same time. it has only been 15 days of the new but so much has happened.

for instance, our final exams started on new year's day itself. yup, new year's day is NOT a public holiday in Kelantan. so yea, we had one paper on that day and two papers the following. everything was so hectic but i still managed to complete a few tv series. it was the only cure for my stress at the time. a lot of things happened regarding our exams too but those aren't the memories i'd like to revisit at the moment except maybe the SBH gathering. odd timing i know but worth it regardless. i got to know my juniors, some i've seen for the first time. it was also a farewell for my seniors whom i will surely miss after they graduate. they are not only the pioneers for my programme but also our mentors since we've been here. i hope they'll have a great life and successful career once they leave the university =)

2 weeks later, we finished our exams! time to celebrate! or not.. alas, it wasn't the ending that i imagined. it was dull, with everyone preferring to stay cooped up in their room and pack for home while i was ready to partayyy. so yea, i stayed in too. then, there was a crisis whether or not i should go home before the east coast cup which stems from my indecisiveness and the urge to escape/run away from my problems. almost everyone told me that i should go home but i preferred to stay. now i'm sorta regretting my decision. i might just hop on a bus and travel home one of these days. i seriously have had enough of this place. i feel like i've overstayed far too long. but if i go home, i can get nothing done (not like i'm doing a lot of work here anyway) so now, after weeks of thinking about it, i'm still torn.

the amount of sunlight i've seen is probably equivalent to the amount of human contact i've had these past few days, which is minimal. social networking doesn't count. i so crave for human contact but no one seems to be willing to indulge me. i guess i was kinda hoping for someone to drag me out of my room and do something fun together (with hopes that it involves a minimal amount of cash too. lol) yup, gedik and mengada-ngada right? i've been called that a lot recently. perhaps i was just hoping for a little bit of attention from the people around me, to see if they are aware of my existence or not. gosh, how depressing that sounds.

it's just that i see people, friends around me who would pull each other out of this "cave" once they seem stressed out about exams and stuff. i was probably hoping for someone who would do that for me too. maybe the reason why no one has done that before is because i myself haven't done it for others. well, not exactly. i did try but my timing is just plain horrible. the times i want to go out and the places i wish to go too is seldom the same as others. that's why i feel that i can never blend in although siew thinks that that isn't the case at all. sometimes i think she's right. i'm not that much different from them. it shouldn't be difficult for me to join in the crowd.

maybe it is how i am that drives people away. going out/ hanging out is not a routine for me.
1. i go out only when i feel like eating or when i crave for something really badly.
2. i usually go out only when i can afford to splurge on stuff
3. i go out when there is something i really need (basic necessities)
so people stop asking me out entirely. i guess it's hard to keep up with my rhythm.

or maybe i'm just bad company. i don't light up a room when i enter or make the whole table laugh. i do most of  the listening, i don't share much and i usually don't have anything interesting to say @ share their common interest. it looks like i'm not making much of an effort, am i? but believe me, i've tried. or maybe i'm just overthinking and overanalysing stuff when no one actually gives a damn about what i do.

this is what happens when i have too much free time on my hands. well, not exactly. i still have an essay to write entitled "Reflection of the study of  professional and ethics" and i haven't packed my stuff yet but i don't feel like doing any of that. i'm also supposed to be preparing for the coming debate competitions but i can't seem to kickstart at all. i have zero confidence and terrified. sighs.. i know that God will always be there to hear me out but some human company willing lend their ears would be pleasant sometimes.

oh well.. i guess thats that. i've been complaining way too much already when i should be thankful for all the things i have in life. every day is a gift and i should not take it for granted. that should be a good enough reason to celebrate life. i've made a few promises and resolutions and i've adhered to most of it so far. hopefully, i can achieve my goals by the end of the year and continue my success in the coming years. once again, happy new year, everybody! have a great one =)